Cold
by Lee Davies
Summary: A Jack angst taking place after his marriage to Sarah falls apart. Based on the song by Crossfade. Revised and reposted.
1. Chapter 1

_This fic is very different from what I usually write, but this song kept sticking in my head and a friend agreed that this needed to be written so here I am. nervous grin This contains spoilers for the 1st season show "Cold Lazarus". The song this is based on is called "Cold" and it's by Crossfade. Please review...this is my first angst ever.  
_

* * *

_Looking back at me, I see  
That I never really got it right  
I never stopped to think of you  
I'm always wrapped in  
Things I cannot win._

They'd said that hindsight was 20/20. There was so much thathe could have done differently...but didn't. After it had happened, he'd never done or even said the one right thing that could have changed where he was lying tonight. Instead of being alone, he could have been with someone he loved. Instead of bearing all of his pain alone, he could have had someone to share that burden.

But he never considered how hard it was for her, too. He hadn't been the only one to lose a child that day. He'd been so absorbed in the "what if's" and "if only's" that Sara and her own pain had hardly registered with him

_You are the antidote that gets me by  
Something strong  
Like a drug that gets me high_

She had always gotten him through his bad times, especially when he'd come home from the Gulf. Like a medicine to any poison he'd come across in life, she had the ability to cleanse him, to make him happy and whole again. He was even at times euphoric in her presence. She lifted him to heights he never could have even imagined. But that was lost irrevocably to him now.

_What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold to you_

He rolled over and contemplated the bare ceiling. There had been fights, and he'd said so many things that he later regretted but never rectified. She'd tried everything to draw him out, to get him to tell her something, anything... but it hadn't worked. That had been his way to deal with it; to pull away so far within himself that even he didn't know the way out anymore. He'd been so frozen, so cold...

_And I'm sorry about all the lies  
Maybe in a different light  
You could see me stand on my own again_

How many times had she asked if he'd talked to someone and he'd told her yes, he had? How many appoinments had he broken and told her he'd gone to? He'd used his gift of the Irish Blarney to keep anyone, even her, from getting even remotely close to that black hole in his heart where Charlie had resided. Everything kept stacking up against him until the house of cards finally collasped at his feet, absolutely runined. Maybe someday he could get everything together and rebuild and she'd see that he was okay now.

_Cause now I can see  
You are the antidote that got me by  
Something strong like a drug that got me high_

_What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold_

As always, his mind ran its circular thought and came back to her again. She'd been everything to him. We were so great together...he thought sadly. The greatest things I ever had in life were her and Charlie...all of that is gone now.

_I never really wanted you to see  
The screwed up side of me that I keep  
Locked inside of me so deep  
It always seems to get to me  
I never really wanted you to go  
So many things you should have known  
I guess for me there's just no hope  
I never meant to be so cold_

After Charlie had died, he'd been messed up. He didn't know which way his head was facing half the time and it had surprised her, he could tell. He had always been the strong, reliable one that others could depend on but when the crisis was so personal, so close to home...**_in _**his home...he was so rigid and couldn't bend so instead, he broke and shattered. He could have reached out for her at any time and told her how badly he needed her...but he hadn't. The bitter regret swirled around inside of him so strongly that he thought surely he couldn't feel anything else. His tender nerves felt raw, and so exposed that even the slightest brush would set off a chain reaction within him that he didn't know if he could survive. So much regret, so much time lost...he hadn't wanted the way he'd been to be the only lingering memory she would have of him, but he'd laid every damned brick in that hideous monument to his own selfish sorrow with his own two hands. That would be what she recalled years later when his name would come up. Their parting still left a bitter taste in his mouth, one he knew that time would never be able to completely dull.

_What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold to you_

What was the point of going and trying to talk to her now? What was the point ofeven going on? He didn't mean anything to her anymore and "I'm sorry" would not even begin to cover what had gone wrong with them; Jack knew that. Oh, did he know that. They said that hindsight was 20/20...and Jack O'Neill now knew what they meant. It was the worst lesson he'd ever had to learn.


	2. Chapter 2

This section of story takes place after the 5th season episode "Meridian". If you've never seen it, read no further! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE review this...I rarely beg, but this one of those times! This is based on the Linkin Park song "Breaking the Habit".

* * *

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again_

Jack O'Neill was sitting on top of his roof, staring up at the sky, but not really seeing it. "It's not real..." his heart chanted. "I'll go back to work tomorrow to find that Daniel's okay...he'll be there..." In his mind though, Jack had already accepted the fact that Daniel Jackson, geeky anthropologist-and probably one of his dearest friends-was gone.

Closing his eyes, his mind wandered down a dangerous road. Memories of another person that had been so dear to him emerged and danced around his reeling brain. First Charlie, and now Daniel. It felt like the lid he'd kept so tightly on his emotions was threatening to blow off like the cap from a stick of dynamite. What could I have done differently? he thought. Was there any way for me to save Daniel?

He still didn't understand why Daniel had wanted Jacob and Sam to stop healing him. The younger man had so much he could have offered and now here Jack was in the same position he'd been in almost 5 years earlier...mourning without the person who had finally given him that kick he'd needed.

_You all assume  
__I'm safe here in my room  
__Unless I try to start again_

Jack remembered all too clearly what he'd been like all those years ago on the first Abydos mission. It had finally been Daniel that had snapped him out of his death wish and gotten him to give living another shot. No one from his current team had tried to approach him after Daniel had finally died and he had mixed feelings about that. One part of him was happy that he was free to wallow in his own feelings without interference, but another small part of him wished that someone would at least call.

_I don't want to be the one  
__The battles always choose  
__'Cause inside I realize  
__That I'm the one confused._

Someone was coming up the ladder and Jack waited until the person was almost to the top before opening his eyes and looking to see who it was. "Carter." he said simply.

"Hello, sir. I thought I'd stop by..." she replied hesitantly.

He motioned for her to come sit beside him and they remained in silence for a long moment.

"Nice night tonight." Jack said finally.

"Jack..." Sam began.

"The sky is clear so you can see the stars really well," he continued, pretending not to hear her. "and if I had my telescope set up, we could look at the planets."

"Jack, I didn't come here to talk about astronomy." Sam said, sounding slightly frustrated.

"Then what did you come to talk about, Sam? How about them Broncos?" Jack replied, trying to be his usual sarcastic self.

"Jack...I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work."

He pegged her with his steady gaze. "What am I trying to do, Carter? I'm just making friendly conversation."

"With all due respect sir, I think you're trying to avoid the subject." Sam replied.

"What subject could that possibly be?" Jack intoned with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"You're doing it again, sir."

"Carter, just because I don't really feel like being sad right now doesn't mean I'm avoiding the subject." Jack growled.

"Then why haven't you come to the base in 6 weeks? Answered my telephone calls? Come to the team nights?" she questioned.

Jack turned away from her. "Carter, there is no more team."

"What are you talking about? Teal'c and I are still here, in case you hadn't noticed."

"You don't understand...we were the original SG1." he said.

Sam gave him a look he didn't see. "Excuse me? I told you before, I was susposed to be on that team."

"Well Carter, you weren't."

"Sir, all due respect...never mind...I didn't come here to take this. I just came to see if you needed to talk and you obviously do, but you aren't opening up to me. They asked me if you were still fit to command SG1 and I honestly couldn't tell them."

"Carter, I'll be back on Monday." Jack said tightly.

"That isn't the point sir..."

"That's quite enough...Major." he snapped.

Sam looked up at the stars. "We've been to so many planets...it'd be a shame to throw it all away." she remarked.

"Carter, what are you trying to get me to do? Tell you if I'm feeling angry, guilty, sorry, what?"

"I just want you tell me something...but it has to be real. I'll know it if's not." Sam replied boldly, fixing her eyes on his.

Jack stood, his features as cold as an arctic blast. "As far as I'm concerned, this conversation is over, Major."

"Begging your pardon sir, but if you don't talk to me, they're going to suspend you from active duty."

"What, Carter?" Jack asked, his impenatrable mask cracking. She could see the despair this statement had induced.

"Frankly, they think you burned out." she said.

Jack looked incredulous. "Me?"

Sam stood up. "Jack, think about it! You haven't been to work in over a month!"

The dam was finally opened. "What the hell do they think! That I was on some kind of freakin' picnic or something and would be back in like a good, happy little soldier in a couple weeks!" he yelled.

Her face was a perfect study in shock. "That's not what they wanted! General Hammond just wanted to hear something, anything from you! You didn't give them anything to go on! You didn't exactly give us anything to go either!" she replied.

"Us?" Jack said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes! Me and Teal'c...your friends...or did you forget?"

His eyes were lifeless. "Carter, I don't have any friends."

"Could've fooled me." she shot back.

"Carter, I can't have any friends!" he replied, sounding frustrated.

"Really?" she challenged.

"Carter, anyone I care about ends up doomed! Kowalski...Sara...Daniel...and Charlie, and you and Teal'c have had your moments of danger..."

He stopped and Sam said, "Sir, that's called the Air Force."

"Well obviously you don't get it, Carter."

"Sir, you can't take the blame every time something bad happens!"

Jack whirled around and there was raw agony etched on his face. "EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT!" he roared.

Sam fell back a step and he continued, his bottled up emotions finally spilling over.

"I gave the order to close the gate when Kowalski was wrestling with Teal'c...I gave that order, Carter! He was my friend and I killed him... Sara finally left because of me being such an idiot that she couldn't take it anymore! Daniel was on my team and I was responsible for him! And if I'd only hid my gun better, Charlie never would have found it..."

"Jack, you couldn't have changed any of that, no matter how hard you tried!" Sam said, pleading with him to understand.

"What do you know about it, Major?" he hissed.

Tears were threatening to escape her eyes. "Well obviously you don't want to talk to me, so I'm leaving...but I'll be back, Jack. Make no mistake of that." Sam said tightly.

He watched her descend, kicking himself for causing her pain.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not all right  
So I'm breaking the habit  
Breaking the habit tonight_

Making his decision quickly, Jack raced over to the ladder and climbed down it as rapidly as he could. He might not be able to fix what happened with Sara, but he could sure as heck stop Sam from leaving this way.

"Sam!" he called desperately.

She was at her car and stopped at the sound of his voice. Her tears had finally escaped and Jack's heart wrenched within him to know that he was the one who had made her cry. Not knowing what else to do, Jack did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his embrace.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered.

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him as well. "I know." she replied.

"I always do this..." Jack choked. "I always hurt the people I care the most about..."

Water stung his own eyes and Sam tightened her grip on him, correctly guessing that he needed the physical contact right now. They clung to each other for a long moment, drinking in the comfort offered by the other.

She could feel him calming down and said gently, "Jack, you have to let somebody in."

"I know." he replied, still holding her tightly. "But it's so hard when Daniel was the one who got me through it the first time... he gave me a nice little lecture."

"What did he say?" Sam asked, a smile in her voice.

"It was when we were on the first Abydos mission...he said, "I don't want to die, and your men don't want to die...it's a shame that you're in such a hurry to." I still remember that."

"He was perceptive..." she said.

"Yeah, he was."

Sam released him, even though her mind was screaming at her to hold on. He loosened his grip, but did not let go of her completely. "Jack, you're going to have to find someone to give you that swift kick in the rear again."

He smiled down at her, though there was still more than a hint of the melancholy in his eyes. "I think I just did...Samantha."

Hearing him say her name like that sent shivers down her spine. He pulled her to him again and she went willingly, her head resting on his shoulder and her arms coming back around him.

"You're not alone, Jack. Just remember that...Teal'c and I will always be there for you."

Closing his eyes, he silently gave thanks for this woman who was not willing to give up on him.

Finally letting go of her, Jack stepped back and looked into her eyes. Blue met brown and both understood everything that was not said. "See you tomrrow?" Jack asked hesitantly.

"Tomorrow." she answered, a small smile on her face.

Jack stood in the driveway and watched her leave. He'd almost made the same mistake twice but this time, he'd been able to come out out of his frozen shell and reach out to someone. It wasn't much, but it was a start and he'd finally broken the habit of being so cold.


End file.
